


This Means War

by vaderina



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Petty Graves, Petty Newt, Prank Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 07:58:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9169609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaderina/pseuds/vaderina
Summary: Sometimes Newt can be petty about the smallest of things. Sometimes Percy won't stand for that and just has to retaliate.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta read.  
> Not my characters. Only the typos and mistakes are mine.

Newt stumbled into the kitchen rubbing his bleary eyes. He and Percy had woken up late and while Newt had taken his time to get dressed and tried to wake up Percy had been a veritable tornado in the house. He clattered into the kitchen right after Newt muttering about his wand.

“Try the bedside table.” Newt suggested.

“Checked.”

“Coffee table?”

“Checked.”

“Bathroom?”

“Even checked there.” Percy grumbled. He pushed the kettle out of the way in the hopes of having lost his wand behind it. Newt took this as an opportunity to wrap his arms round him from behind and rest his head on the other man’s shoulder. He hummed contentedly, eyes slipping closed for a moment. Percy turned, trailing Newt behind him and froze. On the kitchen table sat the niffler, admiring the shiny grip of his wand. Percy launched for it but the niffler was too quick. Newt was rudely jostled out of his peaceful rest.

“Get back here you over sized platypus!” Percy roared. That woke Newt up, his eyes shot wide open as he stared at his lover’s back. Percy gave chase as the niffler ran ahead, wand sticking out of its pouch. Newt followed more sedately, listening to the more and more creative curses Percy threatened his creature with.

“I’ll have you skinned and made into a giant handbag.”

“You know, you really could just try asking for your wand.” he eventually said as the niffler scuttled behind the toilet where Percy couldn’t reach.

“I’m not asking anything of that thieving fiend. It stole my wand.”

“He. And he did no such thing. He was merely admiring it.” Newt retorted.

“I don’t care. I’m going to send him to the Magical Creatures Division for re-training.”

“Take that back. You’ll do no such thing.” Newt jumped to his creature’s defence.

“I want my wand.”

“Take it back.”

“No.” Percy stubbornly refused.

Newt pushed Percy out of the way and crouched down. He held out a hand and spoke softly.

“Hey sweetie, could I have the wand please?” he asked softly. The niffler looked up at him sadly before pulling the wand out of its pouch. Newt took it and gave a piece of shiny paper in exchange. He rose and turned to the other wizard with the wand in hand.

“Apologise to him. You’ve hurt his feelings.”

“Newt, I’m late for work. I’m not apologising to a thief. I just want my wand.”

“Say please.”

Percy just stared at Newt blankly and held out his hand. After a beat of silence Newt slammed the wand into his palm.

“Have a nice day _Perry_.” he hissed.

“See you at the office.” Percy turned and left their home without a kiss.

Newt got into the office a few minutes after Percy. He walked past the Aurors’ corner of the office on the way to him. Percy looked up as he stalked by but didn’t even get a glance his way. He shrugged to himself. Newt could hold a grudge, he won’t let it bother him. Anyway he had a meeting in half an hour that he needed to prepare for and he needed to get a coffee before that. He’d missed his morning cup thanks to sleeping in and the little bugger stealing his wand. He brushed past Newt’s desk on his way to the small communal kitchen area. Newt didn’t look up at him though he did seem to be smiling at his cup of tea strangely. Percy ignored him. In the kitchen he set out brewing a coffee. When he poured it though, a clear light brown liquid flowed from the pot. He frowned, poured it down the sink and set about making another pot. The same thing happened. Cautiously he sniffed the liquid. Tea. It was tea. How Newt drank the stuff he would never know. He tried to charm the pot clean and started again but there was no change. With a strangled growl he stalked out of the room. He didn’t have the time to mess around with, his meeting was in 5 minutes. As he walked out Newt looked up at him, a picture of pure innocence.

“Sorry.” is all Newt said.

His meeting was too long. By the time he got out of talking finance distribution, asset management and other riveting issues he was starting to get a headache. Newt often teased him about being addicted to coffee but he wasn’t going to let on that maybe he was right. Percy dumped his folder on his desk and decided to try and find their group of friends, they were in all likelihood already in the cafeteria. Maybe they’ll have coffee.

The cafeteria didn’t have coffee either. Percy tried to smile at the poor kitchen assistant but judging by his alarmed look and step back he had failed. He scanned the cafeteria and found his usual gaggle of misfits, there was an empty chair waiting for him next to Newt. Perhaps he’d finally given up on his grudge. He sat down with an almost natural smile and started wolfing his food down.

“Could you pass the salt please?” Newt piped up. Percy looked round and saw that the shaker was next to him, just out of Newt’s reach. He passed it with one hand, other hand still shovelling food into his mouth.

“Thanks daddy.”

Percy choked. The whole table went silent and stared at him. He stared at Newt, eyes wide. Newt stared back at him.

“Sorry.” is all he said. The silence lingered. Conversations were haltingly started before they fizzled out, awkward stares cast his way. Percy couldn’t finish his lunch quick enough. Once his plate was empty he pushed away from the table and made a tactical retreat. He wasn’t running away. Honest.

He was back at his desk and buried in paperwork when Newt approached him with a steaming cup in his hand. He placed it in front of him with a muttered “sorry” and scurried away back to his desk. It’s a steaming cup of blessedly black coffee. Percy drinks it, not caring how it scalds his mouth and throat on the way down. He settled back into his paperwork, optimistic that his headache will go away now that he’s had some coffee. Half an hour later his head is still pounding and he can’t feel any kind of kick from his drink. He’s flagging, grouchy and achy. Maybe another coffee would help. Percy stood and went to the communal kitchen again. There’s a giant pot of brewed coffee which he happily poured himself a cup of. As he placed the pot back down his eyes catch on the label attached to it.

_Decaf._

He slammed his mug down and strides out of the kitchen past Newt’s desk. The man in question was giving him a wide eyed stare as he stroked the niffler which was sat in the middle of his desk, pouch stuffed full of shiny goods. Percy refused to acknowledge the thing  and walked past. Two could play at this game he thought. He sat back down at his desk and got to work again. He kept an eye on Newt’s desk as a memo-mouse unravelled next to the niffler. Newt read it with a frown and immediately got up. He rushed out of the office, pocketing the niffler in his haste. Percy gave a smug smile. Newt was about to embark on a merry chase of useless errands that would culminate in a grand finale of realising he’d wasted his afternoon. Never let it be said that Percy couldn’t be petty too.

Two hours later newt returned to the department, cheeks flushed with rage. He stopped in front of Percy’s desk, visibly shaking with anger. His wand was in one hand, the other irately swept a lock of hair from his eyes. He slammed his fist onto the desk he was standing in front of and his wand gave out a slight waft of purple smoke.

“I’m so pissed off at you right now, it’s unbelievable.” he growled, “Sorry.”

That last word had Percy on edge. Every time Newt had said sorry so far today had left him at the receiving end of Newt’s pettiness. He cautiously wondered what newt had done. Surely he hadn’t run to Picquery in a fit of fancy.

Speak of the devil, if it wasn’t Picquery gliding through the doors. Newt was already behind his desk, seemingly working on a permit for one of his creatures. Percy wasn’t fooled however and could see his eyes flicking up every now and then.

“Graves.” Picquery stopped in front of him.

“Madame President.” he responded as he rose smoothly from his seat.

“I am glad when employees of MACUSA feel able to experiment with personal expression,” she began, “but really, that is outside of our dress code.”

Percy looked at her baffled. Then he followed the President’s eyes. They rested on top of his head. Slowly he turned to his right where a glass partition separated the Aurors’ Department from the Magical Creatures Division. He took in his reflection. Nothing seemed off until he noticed that his hair looked a different shade. Percy reached up and ran a hand through his now purple locks. The sides which used to be grey were now a livid green. He looked at Picquery then just past her at Newt who mouthed “sorry” at him while stroking the bloody niffler. Percy narrowed his eyes at him before he snapped his attention back to the woman in front of him. She merely pursed her lips, her wand out.

“If I may?” she asked. Percy nodded mutely. She flicked her wand which gave out a puff of smoke. Picquery looked surprised. Another glance in the glass told Percy everything he needed to know. His hair was the same colour as before.

“I think it’s a hex.” he helpfully chipped in.

“See to it that by tomorrow your hair is back to the normal colour. Or wear a hat.” Picquery said. “And please send your apologies to the 15:00 meeting. I can’t have you be seen like this.”

Percy nodded, secretly relieved he wouldn’t have to sit through another dull meeting. Somehow he suspected Picquery knew that too. The woman seemed to know everything. He looked at Newt behind his desk chattering away to his bowtruckle now. He had just over two hours before he could leave for home. Time for some payback.

While Percy didn’t have to go to the Directors’ meeting, he still had an inter-departmental meeting on working together to schedule. No time like a present. He sent out a hoard of memo-mice and waited. Half an hour later wizards and witched trickled into the meeting room. Percy had cast a quick glamour charm on his hair in the hopes it would conceal his new hair colour. Newt took a seat towards the back of the room. Percy tried not to look smug. He began the meeting with a quick overview of the departments present and how they could work better together. Then he opened at floor to discussion. People slowly started making suggestions, some chipping in while others waited with a raised hand. All Percy had to do was sit back and wait. He didn’t need to wait too long, Newt slowly raised his hand.

“Mr. Graves.” he begans.

“Yes darling?” Percy had to bite the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from smirking. Everyone looked at him and Newt as if they’d grown two heads. Newt stared at the table, a scarlet flush coloured his cheeks and ears.

“Mr. Scamander. Were you about to say something.” Percy prompted after an agonising minute. Newt shook his head.

“Sorry.” he said.

Percy should have taken that as a warning. Instead he wallowed in his glory of getting Newt back. He should have known better. The meeting drew to a close soon after. It was one of those meetings where everyone got to flap their lips for a bit but needed no follow-up. In other words a complete waste of time but it looked good in the annual review. Newt was the last to step out of the room. Just as he stepped out he looked Percy in the eyes. Then he closed the door behind him. Percy frowned at the rudeness. Surely Newt hadn’t sunk so low as closing a door he knew Percy needed to go through in less than 30 seconds?

It was much worse than that. Newt had jinxed the door shut. Every time Percy tried to open it, it would say sorry. No matter what Percy tried, counter hex, opening spells, cursing the door, it wouldn’t budge. He tried to bang on the door to draw attention but it seemed that nobody could hear him. Even though they both knew Percy was the more powerful of the two of them, Newt had an advantage of travel and learning foreign spells which Percy had no hope of cracking. Eventually Percy gave up trying to force his way out. Instead he sat down and began to plot revenge. He wrote a list of all the things Newt had done wrong at work in the last week. Next to each item he wrote the punishment. A minor infringement such as having the bowtruckle on his person in a meeting resulted in paperwork in triplicate to explain the incident. Something more serious such as an expired permit required Newt to not only request said permit in person by noon the following day, but also attendance of a training seminar in the proper handling of creatures in the department. Percy was just finishing his list when the door silently swung open. It seemed that the trick to the jinx was to let it fizzle out naturally. He’ll have to remember that.

Percy swept out of the room, head held high. As he walked past Newt’s desk (where the niffler was cuddling a letter opener) he let his list drop in front of the wizard. Percy didn’t even break step with the delivery – he was rather proud of that. As he sat down he took a chance look to find Newt glowering at him. Newt shoved away from his desk after a skim of the list and stalked out the department. Percy admired his behind as he left. Just because they were at war didn’t mean he couldn’t appreciate the view. That was exactly how he missed the niffler being deposited on his desk. When he looked at his papers he frowned. His silver quill was missing. So was his pocket watch. And his wand. Percy growled in frustration. He looked for the niffler around his desk and cast a furtive glance round the office. Nothing else seemed to be amiss, just his personal effects. His coat pocket wiggled. A quick snatch in there revealed a rather stuffed niffler, the tip of his wand was just about poking out. They eyed each other in animosity. Newt had returned in the meantime and sat leaning back in his chair with a steaming mug of tea in hand. He raised said mug when Percy looked at him.

Newt began packing away his things as soon as the clock struck five. Percy decided to follow suit at a more sedate pace. The niffler was firmly stashed back in his coat pocket. He knew Newt was standing by his desk however he continued packing away. It took him another minute to finish, snapping the buckles on his own case shut before meeting the taller wizard’s eyes.

“I’d like my niffler back.” Newt said, hand outstretched. Percy raised an eyebrow at him. “Please.”

“You should keep better track of your creatures, Newton.” Percy shot back. The niffler stuck its head out of his pocket.

“At least I give them proper care. And don’t threaten them into submission.” That cut deeper then Percy expected. Surely Newt knew he’d never actually carry out the threats.

“I’m confiscating the creature until it relinquishes all stole goods.” Percy stood his ground. The two wizards stared at each other until a cough interrupted their staring contest. Newt looked away first. Percy counted that as a win.

“Mr. Graves, Newt, have a good evening. I’m heading home now.” Tina said.

“Good night Ms. Goldstein.”

“Night Tina.” the two wizards said in tandem.

“I’m going home now. You may have the creature tomorrow Mr. Salamander.” Percy said.

“I’m heading home too Mr. Gravy. Enjoy your evening.” Newt responded.

They left the department together, Percy left the building before Newt, not trusting him to not lock him in again. They apparated separately to their shared home. Once their respective cases were stashed away safely, Percy fished the niffler out of his pocket and offered him to Newt.

Newt looked at them questioningly.

“You need to ask for your things back and apologise.” he stated stubbornly. Percy tried not to roll his eyes. It was a close call. Instead he looked at the niffler.

“Please may I have my things back?” he asked with as much gravitas as he could muster.

“And?” Newt prompted.

“And I’m sorry I called you an oversized platypus.”

“And?”

“And I’m sorry I threatened to have you skinned and made into a giant handbag.”

“And?”

“And I’m sorry I threatened to turn you over to the Magical Creatures Division for retraining.”

The niffler looked at him for a moment before it pulled out all of Percy’s belongings from its pouch.

“Satisfied?” Percy asked Newt.

“Perfectly.” Newt smiled. He ran a fond hand through Percy’s hair, changing its colour back to his usual black and grey. Percy smiled and gave him back the niffler. In exchange a cup of real coffee floated towards him from the kitchen.

“Thank you love.” he murmured appreciatively.

“You’re welcome.”


End file.
